Finchey Swallows

If there's one movie I don't give a shit about this year, it's the Facebook movie. This is a bit surprising because David Fincher is the director, and I'll usually see anything he makes without question (although I'm a bit more cautious since The Endlessly Maudlin Case of Benjamin Button).

Seriously, though: Facebook the Movie?

WHO....GIVES.....a FUCK.

I don't think David Fincher was eager to make this movie. There's just no way. At first I thought he had lost his mind by choosing such a project, but I keep reading how all these talented big-name directors can't get work because A) no one will pay for their talents and/or B) there's nothing being made.

Except for things like....Facebook the Movie.

EXEC: Hey, Finchey. Howsyaballs?

DF: They're okay.

EXEC: On the massive desk before you--my desk, in fact--is a stack of the hottest scripts in town. Take your pick.

DF: Just pick a script?

EXEC: Like Jolie picks orphans.

DF: And these are the hottest in town?

EXEC: En fuego.

DF: How hot?

EXEC: White hot. You'll need oven mitts.

DF: That hot, eh?

EXEC: Hurry up and choose before the sprinklers go off.

DF: Uh-huh.

EXEC: That's how hot.

DF: Why me?

EXEC: You're a gifted visionary who's an incredible pain in the ass, but that old-to-young thing made a billion, so....take your pick.

DF: Wow, okay. Let's see here...Facebook the Movie, Ebay the Movie, Huffington Post the Movie, Lincoln Logs the Movie, Connect Four the Movie. Um...

EXEC: Wassamatter? Burn your fingers?

DF: This is the hottest stuff in town?

EXEC: This is TOP DRAWER, Finchey.

DF: This is top drawer?

EXEC: Top drawer, top shelf, top o'the fuckin' morning to your new Montana ranch.

DF: Yeesh. Got any superhero projects?

EXEC: Does Madonna have sinew? I'm backed up with hero scripts. I need Maalox. Take your pick.

DF: Let's see....Sub-Mariner, Squirrel Girl, Grape Ape, Davey & Goliath...Oy vey.

EXEC: You're sneering? These are the Glengarry Leads, baby!

DF: Just gimme Facebook the Movie and an endless supply of painkillers.

EXEC: Done and done, Finchey. We love you long time.

DF: Can I PLEASE do Charles Burns' Black Hole after I suck the Giant Grinning Facebook Cock?

EXEC: We'll see if you can swallow without gagging. And if that doesn't go through, we have another red-hot pepper waiting in the wings, got your name all over it: Barbapapa the Movie. Script is fuckin Christmas.

DF: Where can I buy a gun?

EXEC: I know a guy.


UPDATE: This movie is getting great reviews. 

2nd UPDATE: I saw the movie. Good, but it's exactly like I imagined it would be if you gave "the Facebook movie" to one of the most talented directors in America. It's technically superb, confident, well-written, never boring. But it's just a string of events: nerd gets spurned by female, nerd invents Facebook to impress her, nerd rises, nerd sued, nerd sits alone pining for spurner. It's compelling in a way that a magic trick is compelling. Fun to watch, but no emotional investment (and no particular payoff until the mind-blowing factoids at the end). When it's over, you shrug and leave the theater. I honestly don't understand why it's getting such raves. As I said about Slumdog Millionaire, "Decent movie, but let's calm down."

3rd UPDATE: "Best Movie of 2010" - Roger Ebert, National Board of Review, New York Film Critics Circle, LA Film Critics Association, Boston Society of Film Critics, Sight & Sound, The New York Post, Rolling Stone, The New Yorker, both Entertainment Weekly critics, Jim Emerson, Jeff Wells and a slew of others. Maybe I'll see it again. Rental.