Sunday, August 29, 2010

Finchey Swallows

If there's one movie I don't give a shit about this year, it's the Facebook movie. This is a bit surprising because David Fincher is the director, and I'll usually see anything he makes without question (although I'm a bit more cautious since The Endlessly Maudlin Case of Benjamin Button).

Seriously, though: Facebook the Movie?

WHO....GIVES.....a FUCK.

I don't think David Fincher was eager to make this movie. There's just no way. At first I thought he had lost his mind by choosing such a project, but I keep reading how all these talented big-name directors can't get work because A) no one will pay for their talents and/or B) there's nothing being made.

Except for things like....Facebook the Movie.

EXEC: Hey, Finchey. Howsyaballs?

DF: They're okay.

EXEC: On the massive desk before you--my desk, in fact--is a stack of the hottest scripts in town. Take your pick.

DF: Just pick a script?

EXEC: Like Jolie picks orphans.

DF: And these are the hottest in town?

EXEC: En fuego.

DF: How hot?

EXEC: White hot. You'll need oven mitts.

DF: That hot, eh?

EXEC: Hurry up and choose before the sprinklers go off.

DF: Uh-huh.

EXEC: That's how hot.

DF: Why me?

EXEC: You're a gifted visionary who's an incredible pain in the ass, but that old-to-young thing made a billion, so....take your pick.

DF: Wow, okay. Let's see here...Facebook the Movie, Ebay the Movie, Huffington Post the Movie, Lincoln Logs the Movie, Connect Four the Movie. Um...

EXEC: Wassamatter? Burn your fingers?

DF: This is the hottest stuff in town?

EXEC: This is TOP DRAWER, Finchey.

DF: This is top drawer?

EXEC: Top drawer, top shelf, top o'the fuckin' morning to your new Montana ranch.

DF: Yeesh. Got any superhero projects?

EXEC: Does Madonna have sinew? I'm backed up with hero scripts. I need Maalox. Take your pick.

DF: Let's see....Sub-Mariner, Squirrel Girl, Grape Ape, Davey & Goliath...Oy vey.

EXEC: You're sneering? These are the Glengarry Leads, baby!

DF: Just gimme Facebook the Movie and an endless supply of painkillers.

EXEC: Done and done, Finchey. We love you long time.

DF: Can I PLEASE do Charles Burns' Black Hole after I suck the Giant Grinning Facebook Cock?

EXEC: We'll see if you can swallow without gagging. And if that doesn't go through, we have another red-hot pepper waiting in the wings, got your name all over it: Barbapapa the Movie. Script is fuckin Christmas.

DF: Where can I buy a gun?

EXEC: I know a guy.

UPDATE: This movie is getting great reviews. 

2nd UPDATE: I saw the movie. Good, but it's exactly like I imagined it would be if you gave "the Facebook movie" to one of the most talented directors in America. It's technically superb, confident, well-written, never boring. But it's just a string of events: nerd gets spurned by female, nerd invents Facebook to impress her, nerd rises, nerd sued, nerd sits alone pining for spurner. It's compelling in a way that a magic trick is compelling. Fun to watch, but no emotional investment (and no particular payoff until the mind-blowing factoids at the end). When it's over, you shrug and leave the theater. I honestly don't understand why it's getting such raves. As I said about Slumdog Millionaire, "Decent movie, but let's calm down."

3rd UPDATE: "Best Movie of 2010" - Roger Ebert, National Board of Review, New York Film Critics Circle, LA Film Critics Association, Boston Society of Film Critics, Sight & Sound, The New York Post, Rolling Stone, The New Yorker, both Entertainment Weekly critics, Jim Emerson, Jeff Wells and a slew of others. Maybe I'll see it again. Rental.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Possible Names For My New Yacht

SS Fingerbang
Chips Ahoy
All Elbows
Cheap Seats
Grape Apeshit
Wide Load
HMS Blinkenbottom
I Can't Believe It's Not Sinking
Sea Paunch
Bouy, I Love Sailing
Salt Water Daffy
Guppy Love
The Grieving Widow
My Other Yacht Has a Helipad
Harvard Rejected Me
Brine Whore
The Sloop Bill W
Breezy Cheezy
Let's Sail to Kansas
Butler On Board
Caviar Princess
Bastard Son
Queasy Knees
Bilge Drinker
Dancing Flounder
Dolphin Crotch
Bob, Stay!
Tapioca Dreams
Innards a la Mode
The Bobber Soxy
Tin Monkey
The Flatulent WASP
Avast Food Junkie
SS Baggywrinkle
Cabin Toy
Not a Clew
Coxswain Balls

Sunday, August 8, 2010