Friday, December 3, 2010

Cute Lil Retard


Anonymous said...

As the parent of a child with special needs I just don't get why you would call you child a retard. Is that a term of endearment? Your kid is so cute and you seem like such a nice dad. Why would you want to use a word that mocks the disabled? I know you have the right to, just asking why you would.

Dr Smith said...

Dear Anonymous,

Since only two people know about this blog, I know that your letter is a fake. You are either a bored woman in a hospital bed or a lying, dirty, raggedy-ass, piece of garbage chipmunk who thinks she's a big know-it-all, but whose paltry intellect is far below that of the little girl in the video. Either way, your attempt at trickery has failed, so pardon me while I take a moment to rear my fat head back and laugh toward the skies.



Just because you are a lousy prankster doesn't mean your question was a bad one. Let's face it, I wouldn't have called her a "cute lil nigger" or a "cute lil chink" or a "cute lil bagel bender" or a "cute lil zipperhead." These terms, although hilarious and colorful, would not have been apt. I called her a retard because, as a two-year old, she is stupid.

It's a scientific fact that the human brain is not fully developed until age 25, which is why Hertz won't give anyone under that age one of their cars to drive into a swimming pool on spring break. Her brain won't be ready to come out of the oven for another 23 years. Can you even imagine what kind of insipid thoughts are bouncing around in her stupid little head like ping pong balls in a lottery drum? They're probably glorious and wonderful, seeing that she has no concept of the real world. She doesn't know about high taxes or dirty politicians or global warming or racial injustice. She doesn't know about religious zealots blowing up buildings or "ethnic cleansing" (my favorite euphemism) or terminal cancer or pedophiles. She doesn't know cruelty or poverty, or having to sit in an airport terminal for 13 hours because her flight got canceled. She's never had an identity crisis and she's yet to have her heart broken. THIS GIRL KNOWS NOTHING EXCEPT HOW TO EAT AND SHIT HER PANTS AND ASK FOR YOGURT.

Quite frankly, I'm jealous.

As she ages, her brain will accumulate knowledge and experience. Hopefully, this knowledge and experience will be positive and pure and she'll turn out happy. Chances are slim, though. Call me a pessimist, but that's what I believe.

In the meantime, you're right: it IS a term of endearment. She's a little ball of blissful retard. I won't call her that when she's older because it won't make sense. I'll probably call her "honey" or "sweetie" or "princess" or whatever the fuck makes her smile.

Keep reading my blog! Love you!