Mel Gibson came to see me the other day about getting an abortion for his pregnant girlfriend. (At least I think it was Mel Gibson. I'm going to assume it was, otherwise this story has no legs.)
I said, "Mel Gibson, you're crazy! I can't perform an abortion on your hot skanky girlfriend. I'm only a PhD in archaeology from the University of Ravenhurst, I'm barely qualified to perform such a procedure!"
He said, in a very gravelly and intense voice, "LISTEN DOC, I'VE WORKED TOO DAMN HARD AND TOO DAMN LONG ON THIS MISSION TO HAVE IT GO SOUTH THANKS TO SOME PENCIL-PUSHING, RED-TAPE LOVING JEW-BOY LIKE YOU--"
"Mel Gibson, I'm Irish Catholic--"
"ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, DOC, I'M BRINGING MY MEN HOME. BRAVE MEN, MANLY MEN. THEY DESERVE THE BEST CUZ THEY ARE THE BEST. YOU HEAR ME, DOC?!!!?!?!?"
"Mel Gibson, you're screaming right into my face. Assuming my hearing is normal, there's no way I wouldn't be able to hear you from such a short distance."
"AYE, FIGHT AND YOU MAY DIE. RUN AND YOU'LL LIVE...AT LEAST A WHILE. AND DYING IN YOUR BEDS, MAY YEARS FROM NOW, WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TO TRADE ALL THE DAYS, FROM THIS DAY TO THAT, FOR JUST ONE CHANCE TO COME BACK HERE AND TELL OUR ENEMIES...THAT THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE...OUR FREEDOM!!"
"I'm pretty sure I'd NOT be willing to do that, Mel Gibson. If I'm on my deathbed it probably means I'm super tired and weary. I'm probably not gonna be thinking about you. More likely I'll be thinking of boobs and caramel and puppies and stuff. But, seriously, what does this have to do with your girlfriend's--"
"ALBA GU BRA!"
"Yeah, algebra! Wait, what? Why are you shouting out math branches?"
"ALBA GU BRA!!"
"Advanced topology!"
"ALBA GU BRA!!"
"Euclidian combinatorics!! This is fun, Mel Gibson!"
And then he got all pissed and left my office. That guy is WEIRD, I'm telling you.
I said, "Mel Gibson, you're crazy! I can't perform an abortion on your hot skanky girlfriend. I'm only a PhD in archaeology from the University of Ravenhurst, I'm barely qualified to perform such a procedure!"
He said, in a very gravelly and intense voice, "LISTEN DOC, I'VE WORKED TOO DAMN HARD AND TOO DAMN LONG ON THIS MISSION TO HAVE IT GO SOUTH THANKS TO SOME PENCIL-PUSHING, RED-TAPE LOVING JEW-BOY LIKE YOU--"
"Mel Gibson, I'm Irish Catholic--"
"ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, DOC, I'M BRINGING MY MEN HOME. BRAVE MEN, MANLY MEN. THEY DESERVE THE BEST CUZ THEY ARE THE BEST. YOU HEAR ME, DOC?!!!?!?!?"
"Mel Gibson, you're screaming right into my face. Assuming my hearing is normal, there's no way I wouldn't be able to hear you from such a short distance."
"AYE, FIGHT AND YOU MAY DIE. RUN AND YOU'LL LIVE...AT LEAST A WHILE. AND DYING IN YOUR BEDS, MAY YEARS FROM NOW, WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TO TRADE ALL THE DAYS, FROM THIS DAY TO THAT, FOR JUST ONE CHANCE TO COME BACK HERE AND TELL OUR ENEMIES...THAT THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE...OUR FREEDOM!!"
"I'm pretty sure I'd NOT be willing to do that, Mel Gibson. If I'm on my deathbed it probably means I'm super tired and weary. I'm probably not gonna be thinking about you. More likely I'll be thinking of boobs and caramel and puppies and stuff. But, seriously, what does this have to do with your girlfriend's--"
"ALBA GU BRA!"
"Yeah, algebra! Wait, what? Why are you shouting out math branches?"
"ALBA GU BRA!!"
"Advanced topology!"
"ALBA GU BRA!!"
"Euclidian combinatorics!! This is fun, Mel Gibson!"
And then he got all pissed and left my office. That guy is WEIRD, I'm telling you.
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